I'm writing this now after remembering having the simplest wake up calls. I had been dating a guy for over two years and though I hadn't thought of spending the remainders of my years with him, I sought no other companion to be with because I truly cared for him. He was, in my opinion, tall, well taller than me, attractive in society's eyes and smart. His image and character was often praise wherever we went and he was often looked upon as the ideal woman's husband material in this country. As I said, smart. Extremely smart. These attributes though, paved the way for a lot of other negative characteristics. He was stubborn, arrogant, prejudice, sexist and possibly racist. I say possibly in a loose and shameful way. We would have discussions about how he thought a certain native country's inhabitants would behave or be perceived in the public eye and they would mostly be stereotypical ideas of what I think he saw on tv. When I questioned him about it, he always pointed out that he had traveled the world (I'm sure he mentioned 50 different countries) so he knew what he was talking about compared to me only living n three different ones, 2 years being the minimum. Often these "trips" were business based and lased 2 days to 1 week max. How you can get a full prospective of someones lifestyle in that time is beyond me but he felt he could do it and not have anyone question him because "he knew" and "you didn't".
In the span of our relationship we had had, 5 major arguments. 1st about him saying something I thought and still believe I never said. 2nd when we returned from a long weekend away and he insisted I stop asking him questions and "Follow me" like I was some lap dog. The clicking of his fingers kicked me off into "silent mode". 3rd. I wanted him to meet my friends (after nearly 2 years of dating) and he refused as he didn't understand why he had to meet any of them since they were my friends, 4th time we went out with some people I knew and someone laughed at the fact he mispronounced a word which they actually misheard. He felt embarrassed, which was understandable but proceeded to shout and degrade me and not the offender because it was my fault she didn't hear him correctly, how I don't know and then finally 5th He accused me of not caring about his feelings or life after his father past away. I might point out I said I would take time of out my job to spend with him. I talked with him through the night when he accepted it. I went to the funeral parlor (where I actually met his family for the first time) because he wanted em to be there. I put off my holiday because I thought it would be too disrespectful to "have fun" at that time and even asked my family for advice on how I could or might be able to help, physically or emotionally since my Dad's father had passed away only 2 years previous and I felt my father could help me understand better. This wasn't enough and I should have realized that it would never be enough for him. He would constantly say "If you want yo break up with me just say". THIS in my opinion, is a "tell tell" sign of someone wanting to get their "get out of jail card" without pleading guilty.
The light came when I mentioned that I would be travelling to a seaside resort by myself because I was stressed. In fact I was beyond stressed that my sleep pattern, body and health were starting to fail and affect me quite badly. I had also planned this after our last disagreement in the hope to try some kind of secluded 1 lady discovery of self venture. He was disappointed when he heard since we had originally planned to go together 6 months previous but his father was sick. I understood his disappointment but I really needed a break from everything and everyone and the destination was the easiest to get to. We said that we would arrange a time, mainly a week day when we would meet since I would not be around for our weekend meet ups, which I might add where only Saturday 2pm onwards to Sunday 4-5pm,,,yes nearly 24 hours only. Now when I lived an hour away and he didn't have a car I understood, so every other weekend I would get and pay for a hotel in his town and we would stay together, since he lived at home (it's normal here to do that before marriage). On the other weekends he would stay in my studio place if he hadn't planned something, again for 24 hours. After a year he got a car and the plan never changed. When the second year came, I moved near his home town (my first choice when I moved into the country and not for him but was convenient) but still the arrangement never changed. I want to say he lives 20 minutes from me now by public transport if that and yes he still has a car. Anyway, I avoid plans for the week as I've already mentioned to him that he should tell me when he is free to meet up. I realize that's not going to happen on Thursday night pre my trip, when I leave my job and am walking home and he's not there to greet me or at my house to have a quick coffee. I message him asking him if I am going to see him before I go and he tells me he might have time tomorrow, when I actually leave straight from work. Might. I want to say my upset came at the thought that he told me he would be having a celebration at his family home for his fathers birthday the week after so might not be able to see me and the week after that he might be going on a company team building weekend. All this after I tell him I want a weekend to just breathe from society. so that could be close to 1 month I don't see him, AND WE LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN 20 MINUTES AWAY!
Cough cough anyway, he tells me it might be late to see me off because I am getting a early train (7.30pm), but IF I WANTED, he would meet me at my workplace. The slap I felt as I held back the tears after reading his messages on the subway felt like a brick to my face. 2 years of this constant behavior, his comments about my appearance whether I just woke up i.e just got up "oh my god, who is this ugly woman?" or "please talk to me after you have put on make up" choosing what to wear. His comments about me having food in my brace after I first got them "that's disgusting, close your mouth". After love making, getting up an leaving me to clean up his mess, Commenting on my weight but putting on just as much, this list went on. Why was I accepting this. This was the kind of thing I told my sister or friend not to accept. Once upon a time, people would mention my name and say "she would never stand for that kind of crap" but here I was standing for it, acknowledging it and possibly accepting it as gospel. What in Buddhas name had happened to me. I did the worst thing I could have done. I had given myself to someone unworthy of receiving me. I had devalued myself and allowed someone to join in. I had abused my own intelligence and sacrificed my worth by being with someone who I thought saw me as a commodity reject or old broken umbrella that he used when it was need as he was missing his favorite Gucci umbrella somewhere in his massive dressing room.
Why should I value someone else opinion of me that wasn't even long term material (my reasons go deeper). That night on my way home I bought lean fried chicken (trying to justify), Baskin Robbins quat bucket, 2 bottles of booze, potato chips and mayo. I didn't get through half of what I bought, thank goodness but the pain was strong. When I got home, even before the door closed automatically behind me, I slide down against the wall like a scene from a dramatic drama and cried my eyes out, still hoping he would pop out from the bathroom yelling "surprise". He didn't and 3 hours later I realized I didn't want him too and anyone else for that matter. I needed that beach, sunset and cool air as I watch the sun rise or set.I needed space and time to be me again. Not to find the old me, because I think she saw the drama and hiked her way to sanity, but I want to be someone I can be proud of. That people know, maybe don't like but respect because I am me. First I have to find one person to give me that support, strength and determination and since the only person that's been with me through all of this is me, I can only think that I should be the one to pick myself up and say "Lady, if you can go through everything you went through before him and still end up meeting this good looking jackass, you can surely clean your plate and start again, but this time, try detoxing, because Buddha know you've been carrying too much bull*hit so far"
I don't know what's coming around the corner but I hope I can feel proud and energetic about it given time. And talking of time, as I turn to put my mobile on silent I see 2 messages from guys confessing their sudden interest in me (who and why?). It makes me smile, smile because the devil sure knows when to strike, so I smile, smile and polite decline to converse further then delete the conversation and switch off my mobile. Cake, my dear friend, cake is the knew way to get me hot now and I have yet to see a man as delicious as the Oreo Cookie Creme cake, unless we're talking Mr So. That man could sell dog poop and I would ask what other colors is it available in!
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