Thankfully I don't shave specifically for dates. Hygiene should be a everyday kinda thing!

I will get back to my story about Clarke and Men's health at some point but as I mentioned, I don't think I've ever made my life easy to be honest so let's fast forward a month after the events and mention what's currently happening. This way I can update this journal, blog or just rancid rubbish, in a orderly manner!

After the amazing time I had with Clarke, I gave into my heart instead of my gut and started to map out what could be the start of a good relationship. This meaning that I dreamed of a normal dating situation where I would be like the average couple people see and sometimes despise. I too would get the opportunity to walk down the street holding my boyfriends hand instead of walking a meter apart (like I had in my last 2 year relationship). I too would have someone kiss my forehead, hold my waist tightly and tell me that they missed me. I too would have someone pay the bill first instead of waiting for me to put my hand in my bag. I too would have someone tell me I looked great, I was fun and that they were happy we were together. I too would have someone who wanted to introduce me to their friends and complain that they had not yet met mine. All these basic things I saw everyone else had, I finally thought I to was going to get it. That was short lived. To say that "people" not just men but women too, have step up their "playing" strategies, would be a understatement!
I made a poor judgement and surprisingly I felt it just 2 days after the event. I'm not ready to revel the "bitch slap" I received (psychologically only) from Clarke but maybe it was Karma I was getting for being unorganized and forgetful about double booking. Maybe the karma was from judging these two men before fully understanding their characters. Either way "I got mine". Even though he was the first to send me a ubandance of romantic texts, I should have seen what was coming.  TO BE CONTINUED

The embarrassingly last text message from Clarke

Anyway, we fast forward to the present time. Surprisingly I get a message from Men's Health asking how I have been. I respond that life has been busy of sorts but okay. We actually continue to communicate via messages and telephone calls for two weeks  until he eventually and surprisingly suggests that he would like us to meet up and have coffee this time, instead of sitting silently in dark room and communicating by facial sign language and by screen light! In theory maybe I should have said "no, I am not sure I like you or your character" but I was fed up of judging the wrong people. I was fed up of picking the "Nice Guy" and still getting screwed over or even worse. I took a chance. Mr Men's health wasn't a bad guy, yes he swore a lot more than I preferred, yes he smoked which isn't a great past time of mine ( though I couldn't tell until he mentioned it) and especially yes, he was a little too handsy on our first encounter. I wasn't compromising my choices because of loneliness but had I been fair? had I been clear about what I wanted or was looking for, or did I sit there blindly letting this guy assume all was well. I told him beforehand what I was looking for and why I that night I had to meet a "friend" and that was why I was distracted that evening (which was mostly true). He didn't judge. He did express his disappointment about that nights events but he was open enough to say that he wanted us to try just one opportunity to talk.

I agreed to the opportunity, after all I had nothing to lose anymore. We met after work near my home area but not my home (just in case I needed a quick exit). He had driven 1 hour from his home town to mine straight after work. His work finished late as he owns his own business. He found a near by car park where I met him outside. It was dark but the street lights were on high beam. I was surprised that he was smiling when he saw me we laughed instantly about our crazy schedules that created this late meeting before quickly observing each other trying to recall our past encounter. Without wishing to sound shallow, as we walk to find a cafe, I take little glances towards him. As I mentioned before he isn't as tall as I assumed from his pictures, taller than me still, but again he is not considered unattractive in the least. To be honest he has the appearance of a guy that I would avoid because they are too appealing. He has bright eyes, sharpe straight nose, chiseled facial structure and excellently full and perfectly modeled hair. After walking for 20 minutes (believe it or not) we decided to just head to the local convenient store and by some coffee and chill (as there were only big food places and bars opened). Not a exciting and glamorous location but I actually liked the relaxed atmosphere and the opportunity to be myself. He drank sparkling water and I had a cold cafe mocha (which he kindly opened). We sat there, the only people on the street, sitting at a table outside the store, talking about our interests and current life situations. I found out many things which I obviously did not discover on our first meeting. He had a respectable business which had him working 6 days out of five and his day off wasn't even on a weekend. He drove the same car for the last ten years because "she" was reliable. He was born in Canada and is actually Canadian. He used to be a Fitness Trainer (no surprises on that one). Yeap, even though I made a quick review on his appearance, sitting now and talking I managed to get a better opportunity to review. He was built, very built. He had worn layers which suited his frame but hid his outline. His legs were sturdy and his arms were actually like his picture, massive! Anyway, he talked and I listened and when I talked he listened. His voice is deep but soft and he spoke fast but his laugh was high pitched and funny, like a child that had been ticked close to the point of breathlessness.

The problem now was that time was getting late and we were now surrounded by lots of late comers who also had been looking for a cafe or somewhere o hang out. I had been to work and the gym, home to change and then met him so no opportunity to eat. He made a suggestion that we get food, but I couldn't help but feel concerned, though not directly at him but the suggestion. Only because my experience of eating dinner so late in the evening (midnight) often gave the guy the impression that sexual payment would be offered in exchange. Though I didn't say this to him, I did turn down his offer to eat and suggested that we both go to our homes to relax. He walked me close by to my apartment building and openly and honestly asked if we could meet again and I agreed. I finally wanted to hear and see this guys  funny laugh, sometimes foul mouthed, business man again. He made me feel relaxed and unpressured. During our time communicating together I noticed how positive he was about most things. Even me as a big complainer ( a big turn off for guys I know), instead of just offering condolences, he tried to make me laugh. He showed me other ways in which I might review my problems and concerns and if there wasn't a way, he tried to take my mind away from the negativity. All this and he kept telling me how he admired me being so positive. It was lovely to hear that from someone who wanted me to be happy.We aimed to meet on Saturday that week but I already had plans so we decided to choose at suitable time on the phone later on. We hugged goodbye and he drove home. We messaged each other that evening, openly confirming that we hoped we could get to know each other better with the prospect of dating/making a serious relationship.

As Saturday couldn't happen we decided on Friday but as fate would have it, his co-worker called in sick and he was now short staffed. I will be honest and say that I thought this was a play off. He messaged me at 6.30pm and we were going to meet around 9.30pm. I took to my personal diary to bitch about the fact that once again someone I possibly thought of as a good guy was playing me for a fool. I chilled out 1 hour later when I thought to myself, that if he didn't call or text after his work, I would reserve my interest. He called and yes, I felt guilty. He had worked all day and just finished and was calling express his disappointment of our cancelled meeting. I too felt the same. Our last conversation ended with him saying he wanted to meet up on Sunday night  after work and I will admit that I was excited about it, but once again, fate screwed me over. He was too tired I assumed as I hadn't heard from him by 10pm, understandably he has to drive to the other side of town, so I had to settle for a emoticon and a message about being tired. I know don't know what to think or do. We each live on the other sides of town and he works 6 days a week with 1 week day off. He tells me he wants a serious relationship and that he understands the trails we may face having one in such a homogeneous country. But I know one thing, I know me. I know that I am the type of lady that will travel to make things work, move country if I had too. I have no problem in meeting someone halfway who is prepared to see it work. As I sit here typing, I have a negative feeling that he is trying to distance himself from me and that once again I'm going to be fobbed off with very little or no excuse or reason. Something tells me that maybe he thinks that the distance is too much. Something wants to feed into my consciousness and destroy any hope I may want to have about meeting this guy and trying to make a connection. Just as I eyes start to sting from the realization that I could be right, my phone rings. I look down to see his face (I often add pictures to Contracts as it's easier to ignore calls hahah) and there he is. Big arms folded across his chest, smiling slightly and looking proud. I let it ring a little to try and compose myself and when I say hello, it is instantly followed by a big hearty laugh. I am not sure if I am laughing because I am happy, relived, confused or just nerved by the shear coincidence. But I do know that as I am laughing, so is he too "It makes me happy to hear you laughing even if I don't understand why". I smile stupidly, happy that he picked this moment to calm my doubts a little. So it's going to be a new week and new plans, of which we state and agree that we will plan to meet each other half way in order to spend time together. I suggest Saturday as I have the weekend free but he tells me anytime this week, including before Saturday because why wait until the weekend to see each other?. It's simple things like that make me happy to see where this could possibly go...TO BE CONTINUED

Let's fast forward to why "I need to love me first"

I'm coming backwards to go forward. This is a saying I heard when I moved nearly 300 miles away from my home town in my home country to start my new life with the man I thought I would spend forever with. Needless to say we got to 10 years and then reality struck otherwise I may be blogging about inconvenient working hours, children's dinner times and a house that refuses to stay clean, mostly because I refuse to clean up after others. Yes my life could be like that. Not because people who stay in long term relationships and have kids often have everything get messy and hard or difficult, but because I know that probably this is the route that fate would have guided me too since I have no sense of direction.

I'm writing this now after remembering having the simplest wake up calls. I had been dating a guy for over two years and though I hadn't thought of spending the remainders of my years with him, I sought no other companion to be with because I truly cared for him. He was, in my opinion, tall, well taller than me, attractive in society's eyes and smart. His image and character was often praise wherever we went and he was often looked upon as the ideal woman's husband material in this country. As I said, smart. Extremely smart. These attributes though, paved the way for a lot of other negative characteristics. He was stubborn, arrogant, prejudice, sexist and possibly racist. I say possibly in a loose and shameful way. We would have discussions about how he thought a certain native country's inhabitants would behave or be perceived in the public eye and they would mostly be stereotypical ideas of what I think he saw on tv. When I questioned him about it, he always pointed out that he had traveled the world (I'm sure he mentioned 50 different countries) so he knew what he was talking about compared to me only living n three different ones, 2 years being the minimum. Often these "trips" were business based and lased 2 days to 1 week max. How you can get a full prospective of someones lifestyle in that time is beyond me but he felt he could do it and not have anyone question him because "he knew" and "you didn't".

In the span of our relationship we had had, 5 major arguments. 1st about him saying something I thought and still believe I never said. 2nd when we returned from a long weekend away and he insisted I stop asking him questions and "Follow me" like I was some lap dog. The clicking of his fingers kicked me off into "silent mode". 3rd. I wanted him to meet my friends (after nearly 2 years of dating) and he refused as he didn't understand why he had to meet any of them since they were my friends, 4th time we went out with some people I knew and someone laughed at the fact he mispronounced a word which they actually misheard. He felt embarrassed, which was understandable but proceeded to shout and degrade me and not the offender because it was my fault she didn't hear him correctly, how I don't know and then finally 5th He accused me of not caring about his feelings or life after his father past away. I might point out I said I would take time of out my job to spend with him. I talked with him through the night when he accepted it. I went to the funeral parlor (where I actually met his family for the first time) because he wanted em to be there. I put off my holiday because I thought it would be too disrespectful to "have fun" at that time and even asked my family for advice on how I could or might be able to help, physically or emotionally since my Dad's father had passed away only 2 years previous and I felt my father could help me understand better. This wasn't enough and I should have realized that it would never be enough for him. He would constantly say "If you want yo break up with me just say". THIS in my opinion, is a "tell tell" sign of someone wanting to get their "get out of jail card" without pleading guilty.

The light came when I mentioned that I would be travelling to a seaside resort by myself because I was stressed. In fact I was beyond stressed that my sleep pattern, body and health were starting to fail and affect me quite badly. I had also planned this after our last disagreement in the hope to try some kind of secluded 1 lady discovery of self venture. He was disappointed when he heard since we had originally planned to go together 6 months previous but his father was sick. I understood his disappointment but I really needed a break from everything and everyone and the destination was the easiest to get to. We said that we would arrange a time, mainly a week day when we would meet since I would not be around for our weekend meet ups, which I might add where only Saturday 2pm onwards to Sunday 4-5pm,,,yes nearly 24 hours only. Now when I lived an hour away and he didn't have a car I understood, so every other weekend I would get and pay for a hotel in his town and we would stay together, since he lived at home (it's normal here to do that before marriage). On the other weekends he would stay in my studio place if he hadn't planned something, again for 24 hours. After a year he got a car and the plan never changed. When the second year came, I moved near his home town (my first choice when I moved into the country and not for him but was convenient) but still the arrangement never changed. I want to say he lives 20 minutes from me now by public transport if that and yes he still has a car. Anyway, I avoid plans for the week as I've already mentioned to him that he should tell me when he is free to meet up. I realize that's not going to happen on Thursday night pre my trip, when I leave my job and am walking home and he's not there to greet me or at my house to have a quick coffee. I message him asking him if I am going to see him before I go and he tells me he might have time tomorrow, when I actually leave straight from work. Might. I want to say my upset came at the thought that he told me he would be having a celebration at his family home for his fathers birthday the week after so might not be able to see me and the week after that he might be going on a company team building weekend. All this after I tell him I want a weekend to just breathe from society. so that could be close to 1 month I don't see him, AND WE LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN 20 MINUTES AWAY!

Cough cough anyway, he tells me it might be late to see me off because I am getting a early train (7.30pm), but IF I WANTED, he would meet me at my workplace. The slap I felt as I held back the tears after reading his messages on the subway felt like a brick to my face. 2 years of this constant behavior, his comments about my appearance whether I just woke up i.e just got up "oh my god, who is this ugly woman?" or "please talk to me after you have put on make up" choosing what to wear. His comments about me having food in my brace after I first got them "that's disgusting, close your mouth". After love making, getting up an leaving me to clean up his mess, Commenting on my weight but putting on just as much, this list went on. Why was I accepting this. This was the kind of thing I told my sister or friend not to accept. Once upon a time, people would mention my name and say "she would never stand for that kind of crap" but here I was standing for it, acknowledging it and possibly accepting it as gospel. What in Buddhas name had happened to me. I did the worst thing I could have done. I had given myself to someone unworthy of receiving me. I had devalued myself and allowed someone to join in. I had abused my own intelligence and sacrificed my worth by being with someone who I thought saw me as a commodity reject or old broken umbrella that he used when it was need as he was missing his favorite Gucci umbrella somewhere in his massive dressing room.

Why should I value someone else opinion of me that wasn't even long term material (my reasons go deeper). That night on my way home I bought lean fried chicken (trying to justify), Baskin Robbins quat bucket, 2 bottles of booze, potato chips and mayo. I didn't get through half of what I bought, thank goodness but the pain was strong. When I got home, even before the door closed automatically behind me, I slide down against the wall like a scene from a dramatic drama and cried my eyes out, still hoping he would pop out from the bathroom yelling "surprise". He didn't and 3 hours later I realized I didn't want him too and anyone else for that matter. I needed that beach, sunset and cool air as I watch the sun rise or set.I needed space and time to be me again. Not to find the old me, because I think she saw the drama and hiked her way to sanity, but I want to be someone I can be proud of. That people know, maybe don't like but respect because I am me. First I have to find one person to give me that support, strength and determination and since the only person that's been with me through all of this is me, I can only think that I should be the one to pick myself up and say "Lady, if you can go through everything you went through before him and still end up meeting this good looking jackass, you can surely clean your plate and start again, but this time, try detoxing, because Buddha know you've been carrying too much bull*hit so far"

I don't know what's coming around the corner but I hope I can feel proud and energetic about it given time. And talking of time, as I turn to put my mobile on silent I see 2 messages from guys confessing their sudden interest in me (who and why?). It makes me smile, smile because the devil sure knows when to strike, so I smile, smile and polite decline to converse further then delete the conversation and switch off my mobile. Cake, my dear friend, cake is the knew way to get me  hot now and I have yet to see a man as delicious as the Oreo Cookie Creme cake, unless we're talking Mr So. That man could sell dog poop and I would ask what other colors is it available in!