Thankfully I don't shave specifically for dates. Hygiene should be a everyday kinda thing!

I will get back to my story about Clarke and Men's health at some point but as I mentioned, I don't think I've ever made my life easy to be honest so let's fast forward a month after the events and mention what's currently happening. This way I can update this journal, blog or just rancid rubbish, in a orderly manner!

After the amazing time I had with Clarke, I gave into my heart instead of my gut and started to map out what could be the start of a good relationship. This meaning that I dreamed of a normal dating situation where I would be like the average couple people see and sometimes despise. I too would get the opportunity to walk down the street holding my boyfriends hand instead of walking a meter apart (like I had in my last 2 year relationship). I too would have someone kiss my forehead, hold my waist tightly and tell me that they missed me. I too would have someone pay the bill first instead of waiting for me to put my hand in my bag. I too would have someone tell me I looked great, I was fun and that they were happy we were together. I too would have someone who wanted to introduce me to their friends and complain that they had not yet met mine. All these basic things I saw everyone else had, I finally thought I to was going to get it. That was short lived. To say that "people" not just men but women too, have step up their "playing" strategies, would be a understatement!
I made a poor judgement and surprisingly I felt it just 2 days after the event. I'm not ready to revel the "bitch slap" I received (psychologically only) from Clarke but maybe it was Karma I was getting for being unorganized and forgetful about double booking. Maybe the karma was from judging these two men before fully understanding their characters. Either way "I got mine". Even though he was the first to send me a ubandance of romantic texts, I should have seen what was coming.  TO BE CONTINUED

The embarrassingly last text message from Clarke

Anyway, we fast forward to the present time. Surprisingly I get a message from Men's Health asking how I have been. I respond that life has been busy of sorts but okay. We actually continue to communicate via messages and telephone calls for two weeks  until he eventually and surprisingly suggests that he would like us to meet up and have coffee this time, instead of sitting silently in dark room and communicating by facial sign language and by screen light! In theory maybe I should have said "no, I am not sure I like you or your character" but I was fed up of judging the wrong people. I was fed up of picking the "Nice Guy" and still getting screwed over or even worse. I took a chance. Mr Men's health wasn't a bad guy, yes he swore a lot more than I preferred, yes he smoked which isn't a great past time of mine ( though I couldn't tell until he mentioned it) and especially yes, he was a little too handsy on our first encounter. I wasn't compromising my choices because of loneliness but had I been fair? had I been clear about what I wanted or was looking for, or did I sit there blindly letting this guy assume all was well. I told him beforehand what I was looking for and why I that night I had to meet a "friend" and that was why I was distracted that evening (which was mostly true). He didn't judge. He did express his disappointment about that nights events but he was open enough to say that he wanted us to try just one opportunity to talk.

I agreed to the opportunity, after all I had nothing to lose anymore. We met after work near my home area but not my home (just in case I needed a quick exit). He had driven 1 hour from his home town to mine straight after work. His work finished late as he owns his own business. He found a near by car park where I met him outside. It was dark but the street lights were on high beam. I was surprised that he was smiling when he saw me we laughed instantly about our crazy schedules that created this late meeting before quickly observing each other trying to recall our past encounter. Without wishing to sound shallow, as we walk to find a cafe, I take little glances towards him. As I mentioned before he isn't as tall as I assumed from his pictures, taller than me still, but again he is not considered unattractive in the least. To be honest he has the appearance of a guy that I would avoid because they are too appealing. He has bright eyes, sharpe straight nose, chiseled facial structure and excellently full and perfectly modeled hair. After walking for 20 minutes (believe it or not) we decided to just head to the local convenient store and by some coffee and chill (as there were only big food places and bars opened). Not a exciting and glamorous location but I actually liked the relaxed atmosphere and the opportunity to be myself. He drank sparkling water and I had a cold cafe mocha (which he kindly opened). We sat there, the only people on the street, sitting at a table outside the store, talking about our interests and current life situations. I found out many things which I obviously did not discover on our first meeting. He had a respectable business which had him working 6 days out of five and his day off wasn't even on a weekend. He drove the same car for the last ten years because "she" was reliable. He was born in Canada and is actually Canadian. He used to be a Fitness Trainer (no surprises on that one). Yeap, even though I made a quick review on his appearance, sitting now and talking I managed to get a better opportunity to review. He was built, very built. He had worn layers which suited his frame but hid his outline. His legs were sturdy and his arms were actually like his picture, massive! Anyway, he talked and I listened and when I talked he listened. His voice is deep but soft and he spoke fast but his laugh was high pitched and funny, like a child that had been ticked close to the point of breathlessness.

The problem now was that time was getting late and we were now surrounded by lots of late comers who also had been looking for a cafe or somewhere o hang out. I had been to work and the gym, home to change and then met him so no opportunity to eat. He made a suggestion that we get food, but I couldn't help but feel concerned, though not directly at him but the suggestion. Only because my experience of eating dinner so late in the evening (midnight) often gave the guy the impression that sexual payment would be offered in exchange. Though I didn't say this to him, I did turn down his offer to eat and suggested that we both go to our homes to relax. He walked me close by to my apartment building and openly and honestly asked if we could meet again and I agreed. I finally wanted to hear and see this guys  funny laugh, sometimes foul mouthed, business man again. He made me feel relaxed and unpressured. During our time communicating together I noticed how positive he was about most things. Even me as a big complainer ( a big turn off for guys I know), instead of just offering condolences, he tried to make me laugh. He showed me other ways in which I might review my problems and concerns and if there wasn't a way, he tried to take my mind away from the negativity. All this and he kept telling me how he admired me being so positive. It was lovely to hear that from someone who wanted me to be happy.We aimed to meet on Saturday that week but I already had plans so we decided to choose at suitable time on the phone later on. We hugged goodbye and he drove home. We messaged each other that evening, openly confirming that we hoped we could get to know each other better with the prospect of dating/making a serious relationship.

As Saturday couldn't happen we decided on Friday but as fate would have it, his co-worker called in sick and he was now short staffed. I will be honest and say that I thought this was a play off. He messaged me at 6.30pm and we were going to meet around 9.30pm. I took to my personal diary to bitch about the fact that once again someone I possibly thought of as a good guy was playing me for a fool. I chilled out 1 hour later when I thought to myself, that if he didn't call or text after his work, I would reserve my interest. He called and yes, I felt guilty. He had worked all day and just finished and was calling express his disappointment of our cancelled meeting. I too felt the same. Our last conversation ended with him saying he wanted to meet up on Sunday night  after work and I will admit that I was excited about it, but once again, fate screwed me over. He was too tired I assumed as I hadn't heard from him by 10pm, understandably he has to drive to the other side of town, so I had to settle for a emoticon and a message about being tired. I know don't know what to think or do. We each live on the other sides of town and he works 6 days a week with 1 week day off. He tells me he wants a serious relationship and that he understands the trails we may face having one in such a homogeneous country. But I know one thing, I know me. I know that I am the type of lady that will travel to make things work, move country if I had too. I have no problem in meeting someone halfway who is prepared to see it work. As I sit here typing, I have a negative feeling that he is trying to distance himself from me and that once again I'm going to be fobbed off with very little or no excuse or reason. Something tells me that maybe he thinks that the distance is too much. Something wants to feed into my consciousness and destroy any hope I may want to have about meeting this guy and trying to make a connection. Just as I eyes start to sting from the realization that I could be right, my phone rings. I look down to see his face (I often add pictures to Contracts as it's easier to ignore calls hahah) and there he is. Big arms folded across his chest, smiling slightly and looking proud. I let it ring a little to try and compose myself and when I say hello, it is instantly followed by a big hearty laugh. I am not sure if I am laughing because I am happy, relived, confused or just nerved by the shear coincidence. But I do know that as I am laughing, so is he too "It makes me happy to hear you laughing even if I don't understand why". I smile stupidly, happy that he picked this moment to calm my doubts a little. So it's going to be a new week and new plans, of which we state and agree that we will plan to meet each other half way in order to spend time together. I suggest Saturday as I have the weekend free but he tells me anytime this week, including before Saturday because why wait until the weekend to see each other?. It's simple things like that make me happy to see where this could possibly go...TO BE CONTINUED

Let's fast forward to why "I need to love me first"

I'm coming backwards to go forward. This is a saying I heard when I moved nearly 300 miles away from my home town in my home country to start my new life with the man I thought I would spend forever with. Needless to say we got to 10 years and then reality struck otherwise I may be blogging about inconvenient working hours, children's dinner times and a house that refuses to stay clean, mostly because I refuse to clean up after others. Yes my life could be like that. Not because people who stay in long term relationships and have kids often have everything get messy and hard or difficult, but because I know that probably this is the route that fate would have guided me too since I have no sense of direction.

I'm writing this now after remembering having the simplest wake up calls. I had been dating a guy for over two years and though I hadn't thought of spending the remainders of my years with him, I sought no other companion to be with because I truly cared for him. He was, in my opinion, tall, well taller than me, attractive in society's eyes and smart. His image and character was often praise wherever we went and he was often looked upon as the ideal woman's husband material in this country. As I said, smart. Extremely smart. These attributes though, paved the way for a lot of other negative characteristics. He was stubborn, arrogant, prejudice, sexist and possibly racist. I say possibly in a loose and shameful way. We would have discussions about how he thought a certain native country's inhabitants would behave or be perceived in the public eye and they would mostly be stereotypical ideas of what I think he saw on tv. When I questioned him about it, he always pointed out that he had traveled the world (I'm sure he mentioned 50 different countries) so he knew what he was talking about compared to me only living n three different ones, 2 years being the minimum. Often these "trips" were business based and lased 2 days to 1 week max. How you can get a full prospective of someones lifestyle in that time is beyond me but he felt he could do it and not have anyone question him because "he knew" and "you didn't".

In the span of our relationship we had had, 5 major arguments. 1st about him saying something I thought and still believe I never said. 2nd when we returned from a long weekend away and he insisted I stop asking him questions and "Follow me" like I was some lap dog. The clicking of his fingers kicked me off into "silent mode". 3rd. I wanted him to meet my friends (after nearly 2 years of dating) and he refused as he didn't understand why he had to meet any of them since they were my friends, 4th time we went out with some people I knew and someone laughed at the fact he mispronounced a word which they actually misheard. He felt embarrassed, which was understandable but proceeded to shout and degrade me and not the offender because it was my fault she didn't hear him correctly, how I don't know and then finally 5th He accused me of not caring about his feelings or life after his father past away. I might point out I said I would take time of out my job to spend with him. I talked with him through the night when he accepted it. I went to the funeral parlor (where I actually met his family for the first time) because he wanted em to be there. I put off my holiday because I thought it would be too disrespectful to "have fun" at that time and even asked my family for advice on how I could or might be able to help, physically or emotionally since my Dad's father had passed away only 2 years previous and I felt my father could help me understand better. This wasn't enough and I should have realized that it would never be enough for him. He would constantly say "If you want yo break up with me just say". THIS in my opinion, is a "tell tell" sign of someone wanting to get their "get out of jail card" without pleading guilty.

The light came when I mentioned that I would be travelling to a seaside resort by myself because I was stressed. In fact I was beyond stressed that my sleep pattern, body and health were starting to fail and affect me quite badly. I had also planned this after our last disagreement in the hope to try some kind of secluded 1 lady discovery of self venture. He was disappointed when he heard since we had originally planned to go together 6 months previous but his father was sick. I understood his disappointment but I really needed a break from everything and everyone and the destination was the easiest to get to. We said that we would arrange a time, mainly a week day when we would meet since I would not be around for our weekend meet ups, which I might add where only Saturday 2pm onwards to Sunday 4-5pm,,,yes nearly 24 hours only. Now when I lived an hour away and he didn't have a car I understood, so every other weekend I would get and pay for a hotel in his town and we would stay together, since he lived at home (it's normal here to do that before marriage). On the other weekends he would stay in my studio place if he hadn't planned something, again for 24 hours. After a year he got a car and the plan never changed. When the second year came, I moved near his home town (my first choice when I moved into the country and not for him but was convenient) but still the arrangement never changed. I want to say he lives 20 minutes from me now by public transport if that and yes he still has a car. Anyway, I avoid plans for the week as I've already mentioned to him that he should tell me when he is free to meet up. I realize that's not going to happen on Thursday night pre my trip, when I leave my job and am walking home and he's not there to greet me or at my house to have a quick coffee. I message him asking him if I am going to see him before I go and he tells me he might have time tomorrow, when I actually leave straight from work. Might. I want to say my upset came at the thought that he told me he would be having a celebration at his family home for his fathers birthday the week after so might not be able to see me and the week after that he might be going on a company team building weekend. All this after I tell him I want a weekend to just breathe from society. so that could be close to 1 month I don't see him, AND WE LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN 20 MINUTES AWAY!

Cough cough anyway, he tells me it might be late to see me off because I am getting a early train (7.30pm), but IF I WANTED, he would meet me at my workplace. The slap I felt as I held back the tears after reading his messages on the subway felt like a brick to my face. 2 years of this constant behavior, his comments about my appearance whether I just woke up i.e just got up "oh my god, who is this ugly woman?" or "please talk to me after you have put on make up" choosing what to wear. His comments about me having food in my brace after I first got them "that's disgusting, close your mouth". After love making, getting up an leaving me to clean up his mess, Commenting on my weight but putting on just as much, this list went on. Why was I accepting this. This was the kind of thing I told my sister or friend not to accept. Once upon a time, people would mention my name and say "she would never stand for that kind of crap" but here I was standing for it, acknowledging it and possibly accepting it as gospel. What in Buddhas name had happened to me. I did the worst thing I could have done. I had given myself to someone unworthy of receiving me. I had devalued myself and allowed someone to join in. I had abused my own intelligence and sacrificed my worth by being with someone who I thought saw me as a commodity reject or old broken umbrella that he used when it was need as he was missing his favorite Gucci umbrella somewhere in his massive dressing room.

Why should I value someone else opinion of me that wasn't even long term material (my reasons go deeper). That night on my way home I bought lean fried chicken (trying to justify), Baskin Robbins quat bucket, 2 bottles of booze, potato chips and mayo. I didn't get through half of what I bought, thank goodness but the pain was strong. When I got home, even before the door closed automatically behind me, I slide down against the wall like a scene from a dramatic drama and cried my eyes out, still hoping he would pop out from the bathroom yelling "surprise". He didn't and 3 hours later I realized I didn't want him too and anyone else for that matter. I needed that beach, sunset and cool air as I watch the sun rise or set.I needed space and time to be me again. Not to find the old me, because I think she saw the drama and hiked her way to sanity, but I want to be someone I can be proud of. That people know, maybe don't like but respect because I am me. First I have to find one person to give me that support, strength and determination and since the only person that's been with me through all of this is me, I can only think that I should be the one to pick myself up and say "Lady, if you can go through everything you went through before him and still end up meeting this good looking jackass, you can surely clean your plate and start again, but this time, try detoxing, because Buddha know you've been carrying too much bull*hit so far"

I don't know what's coming around the corner but I hope I can feel proud and energetic about it given time. And talking of time, as I turn to put my mobile on silent I see 2 messages from guys confessing their sudden interest in me (who and why?). It makes me smile, smile because the devil sure knows when to strike, so I smile, smile and polite decline to converse further then delete the conversation and switch off my mobile. Cake, my dear friend, cake is the knew way to get me  hot now and I have yet to see a man as delicious as the Oreo Cookie Creme cake, unless we're talking Mr So. That man could sell dog poop and I would ask what other colors is it available in!

Was this a date or an Introduction...I mean, what's the difference?

Okay, so the curve ball had been thrown and pretty damn hard if I say so myself. I look at him and I do what I often do if I feel uncomfortable or genuinely lost for words. I laugh. I laughed hard and he joined me up until the point you have one of those scenes where the originator of the question or statement stops laughing to ask you what you're laughing about. Which is does. He's genuine, he says and he wants us to go together and enjoy the atmosphere as he has not had the opportunity to share this interest of his with someone he likes (second flick against the butterfly's back). I explain again that I am unsure of what time I will finish but it is a very tempting offer. I suggest that maybe he should go home and relax first and then I could message him and we could met up again but he says that he would rather that we went together as plans could change, just like my mind. It also occurs to me that, yes, I actually like this man. I don't see it a a sleazy move but I felt that he genuinely wanted us to enjoy the music together, or maybe he's just a sad bugger and wanted company. This realization and confirmation to join him by extending the evening also confirmed that even though Men's Health's profile pictures had me Ohhh-Weeeing on the subway platform when I saw them ...out loud I might add, the spark was yet to be ignited. 
At this point Clarke thanked me and said he was happy that we could share this opportunity together. We continued to drink and converse over the remainder of our wine and we jokingly (I think) agreed to return to the restaurant to sample their wine menu in the future. At one point he went to the bathroom and I took the naughty opportunity to check my messages. Sure enough Men's Health had checked in with me to confirm the meeting place as he was still on his way. I confirmed and then did a little social snooping to pass the time. Clarke returned and we discussed our plan/arrangement for the remainder of the evening. He wanted to take me near my meeting point via his motorbike, but since I had a fear (went on one once and loved it but old age and sanity got the better of me now) of riding in the city's crazy road lanes,he thought it best that we both get the subway. We would find a cafe nearby and he would wait until my appointment was over. As I'm the worst decision maker in history, I agreed to the schedule. Clarke asked or rather prompted me to use the Restroom before we left (again like a concerned gentleman or a daddy ensuring his child wasn't going to pee themselves on the journey ahead). I took this opportunity to compose myself and try to go get some clarity and sanity of the situation. I was too stupid at that point to find any solutions so I just refreshed my face, washed my hands and left. When I returned Clarke had stood up upon my return.

He asked me if I was okay and suggested I take my time gathering my things together whilst he wait for me outside. To this I asked if he had already paid the bill and he confirmed that he had, even got a free little gift for his efforts. I thanked him sincerely and insisted that the next round was on me. We left just as he said, me composing myself and him waiting for me outside. He put the free gift into his bike before locking it up and guiding me back in the direction of the subway. I queried to whether his bike would be safe there, to which he assured me it was as one of his offices was around the corner. I assured him that if it was my home town he would be lucky to come back and find a wheel remaining. We get to the entrance of the station and he suddenly ask me if I like flowers, to which I flippantly said "I can take it or leave it". He assumes that my answer means I haven't gotten flowers in a while and we both laugh, him maybe of the fact that he's right and me a dead  inside laugh at the fact that I hadn't received flowers in nearly 5 years (reminder is that I dated someone for 2 of those years too). He bartered with the old lady who happened to be selling an array of small budded flowers at extortionate prices. Then she finally gave in, or so I thought. In fact she took a bunch of flowers and then proceeded to split it in half but still taking the full payment. I was astonished and mid wrapping had told him to not worry about it as it we could use the money on better things like 2 separate return journey's around town for each of us, but he insisted. I felt happy that these small yet simply beautiful flowers had brought a massive smile to my face. I thanked him genuinely and we proceeded to head down to the station platform. We rushed into the subway with the hoards travelling to their homes or late night dinners, clubs and social engagements. He placed his jacket on the over head rack and insisted that he place my handbag up there too. At first I refused but he insisted so I mentioned again that in my hometown, that would be an invitation for a mugging, like a thief causally walking through a department store and checking out that brand names on the rack. The subway was packed and I managed to grab the remaining available handle with my two fingers (germs people!). As the train speedily headed towards our destination, I grew concerned that he might suddenly fall and asked him if he wanted to share the handle but he refused, saying he would just hold onto me if he needed to (ahhhh and there it is, the cheese). We both laughed and he jokingly apologized for his comment and like a girly girl I accepted it as I thought it was funny, not necessarily smooth but funny. So we get to our destination and find a cafe. He insists on purchasing me a drink ( I choose water) and he selects an apple juice "as a treat" (must be a sugar thing). We sit for 5 minutes before I get a message that Men's health has arrived in the car-park nearby. I apologize once again and then assure him that if he wants to go at anytime he can, after all he is a grown ass man. He reminds me that he doesn't want to and holds onto my hand as I say goodbye. I feel that stab in my head and another butterfly get's a kicking in my stomach. 

So, I go for the short walk to the other side of a shopping complex to the car park entrance to meet Mr Men's Health. I'm actually waiting for him but I'm nervous as hell. This isn't right at all and I should have cancelled one of these meetings but my weak punk ass just doesn't like to upset the apple cart and I''m chicken when it comes to drama, unless I have to stab....oh okay, let's not go there. There are quite a few people about this time of night but I hear someone call my name. I sneakily look up and ahead to see Men's Health walking towards me. Now, if all this was based on physical attraction alone, most ladies would have said my flat but fine brown butt was extremely lucky that night, but as he got closer, it felt like there was two very distinctive features which were missing from his original pictures on his profile. Luckily for me, it wasn't hair or teeth, but first was height. He was about my height and I'm 172cm/5ft7inches. For some unknown reason he looked a lot taller that that. Second, his frame was a lot and I mean a lot smaller than it looked in his pictures. Now here''s the thing. From an attraction point of view that's what had put me off Men's Health physical appearance as I thought he had a Bodybuilders physique. He was just well toned which is more of my ideal type. Drifting off slightly, Clarke's pictures looked like he was a skinny, short black glasses wearing smart guy but barring the glasses he is the opposite. Men's health looked like a bodybuilder from the magazine, but he looked like the model before they bulked up but had a wel toned physique. 
We introduce ourselves again and he immediately tells me that he had booked tickets for the movies! ....Say what now? Pre booked the seats and not only that but it was over a 2 hour long movie!!!! Pants!!!! As if I didn't feel like some lady that just uses guys for entertainment because my life is so sad and empty, Men's health then wanted to change the tickets for the later showing. I insisted we just watch the movie at the original time as we had only missed the first 3 minutes or so. Funny thing is that I hate that, missing the beginning of movies but in a positive way for me, I had been informed that I had to watch the previous movie in order to understand it so I had already made up my mind that it would be difficult to follow. He asked me if I wanted anything to eat and I kindly refused. We rushed into the theater and settle into our seats. 20 minutes into the movie he leans over and whispers how strange it is to be having a first date at the movie theater and I agree. Yes, because who said to pre book movie tickets and secondly who said this was a "date"? He asked me if I was okay as I look uncomfortable. The truth was, that I was. I had left what appeared to be a very lovely guy and great company to watch a movie I didn't care about with a guy who insisted on using a swear word in every sentence uttered, though he always apologized about it. Men's health isn't a bad guy. He is nice really, but his constant steps to get close start to make me feel that he is closer to the No fly Zone than Clarke could have been. He removes the hand rest so that our arms are resting close together and then without warning grabs hold of my hand like I expect Mr So would (Mr So is my dream husband by the way). He smiles and say's "that''s better". For who Mr? I suddenly feel the urge to cough and remove our clasp.Another 20 minutes in he suggests that he get some popcorn and soda and I let him go. He comes back removes his jacket and proceeds to eat his purchase. Now ladies don't get me wrong, he did kindly offer me popcorn, well insisted, by feeding me! I don't know but was it Daddy and surrogate daughter day or something. Each time I kindly either refused until I could sense he was uncomfortable so then I took the popcorn from him and did a magic mime of eating it and throwing it on the floor like a 3 year old child with vegetables at dinner. More than half way through the movie I excuse myself to message Clarke from the ladies toilets. Clarke insists that he's okay and happy to wait, so I continue to feel like crap (like I should as all this is my fault anyway) and Men's Health continues to make advancements without being to hands on. When I return I tell him that I have an important thing to deal with and I will have to end our meeting earlier than anticipated but I would remain for the ending of the movie. Needless to say he was disappointed but understanding. ;He kindly offers to drive me to my destination even though I insist on getting a taxi. Throughout the journey I apologize for the inconvenience but he also mentions that maybe it wasn't a great idea to have a first meeting at a movie theater. When we get to my new destination, I thank him not because I couldn't be bothered of thought I was too marvelous but I felt retched at what was happening and was attempting to give him the easy way out of not contacting that confused b*tch again. He told me that I didn't really need to say anything but he would just .....and then he kissed me. Nothing full on but one of those quick peaks that catch you unaware. I stared and thanked him again for the ride before leaving to get out of view to cleanse my lips. Now it could have been taken as a romantic and manly gesture to which I see it can be but also I didn't ask or insist upon it so I was not only taken aback but annoyed the the kiss of the night was with Men's Health and not Clarke and so that's how I knew I was definitely interested in him.

I texted Clarke from our meeting point apologizing for the delay, my un-organisation, confusion and out right un-dateable behavior. At first he said he would be there soon and that he was in a taxi. I asked if he was okay. He didn't respond so I sent a message wondering if he changed his mind and went home as then I would understand, but still no response, so I called and guess what no response. So there it was, even though I told him I would be a minimum of 2 hours, the wait was too long and really what person in their right mind would wait over 2 hours for someone they just met who then breaks an appointment? I leaned back against a wall trying to avoid the crowd of party people bustling around. I closed my eyes as I truly felt like sh*t and I knew I deserved to too all because of my confusion and indecisiveness. I messaged him and told him that I would wait a while at the meeting point hoping for a miracle.  And as I start to text a apology, trying to explain that I was at fault for the evenings turn out, I hear someone call out my name. I look up and you know what, Men's health...wasn't there. Clarke was running towards me and smiling, actually smiling. He holds out his arms and gives me a massive hug and looks down at me and says "Are you okay, I was worried about you". I'm stunned, I mean truly stunned. This guy is supposed to be giving me abuse at the fact he's been mucked around all evening. But instead he's smiling. He pulls back and looks down at me and continues to say, "don't worry about it, as long as you're okay, that's what's important" I honestly can feel my eyes glistening as I continue to apologize profusely but he asked me why I am apologizing. "You've been waiting for me for over 2 hours and we were supposed to come here together --" he cuts me off to reminds me that he insisted on waiting and was more than happy to wait longer than that if needed. He takes my face in his hands and tells me not to worry and that we should just enjoy the night ahead. He then takes my hand as we walk across the street to our continued destination......and then I WAKE UP!!! It's all been a dream haha...No, no...haha, no. I kid you not. This seriously happend. For me, this guy just stepped out of a traditional novel of "What she wants in a man", where someone had written down all the specifications of what I wanted. Maybe or even definitely his attitude would have been different if he knew of the full situation but at that moment in time I was still trying to get my head around what kind of person had this amount of patience for someone they hardly  knew....or was this the new scheme of getting a bed buddy, roofies to be added later?. The night was young apparently and that night also were we. We took our energetic passes for the evening and headed towards the lights, music and action...and oh my was there action ...TO BE CONTINUED

Most people wait around for fate or the cosmos to decide what they will do with their life and who they will meet. I decided that I was feed up with what I was being given and decided to put (mainly) my dating life into my own hands.
Respectfully I just turned 40 and No this wasn't and isn't some mid life crisis, but I was and am feed up of meeting dumbass teenage jerk offs or over arrogant and bolsey athletic types who thought the world evolved around them. I had previous been in a 2 year relationship where I had been suppressed and emotionally beaten into submissiveness, all this before a 10 year relationship of that same that my confidence had all but warned me it would pack up and leave if I didn't get my shit together now. I decided I deserved more than that and if I was going to continue to let fuckwits demean me and decide my fate, I deserved all the crap I was getting.

I took to a site that was aimed at meeting friends and language exchanges, since I live in a foreign country, I thought that this would be a good place to start. Needless to say, I had a more than a few people contact me but more than often and as with any dating/friendship or what other fake image they tend to brand these apps, I had more people whom either couldn't read or choose to ignore my specifications in my profile information.
I had lots of "hellos" and "how are you's?" which were often instantly followed by  "Do you live alone, do you have a boyfriend, are you married?" "Are you attracted to Asian men?"etc. It was clearly stated in my profile that even though I was new to the city, I just wanted to find friends at this stage. Finally I gave in and also started to consider that maybe I could met someone I was attracted to so I took a chance with 2 guys at first...on 2 separate occasions I hasten to add!
The first one took me for coffee and before I had even manage to sample the flavor, he proceeded to say that he needed to get up early so could he drop me home. I insisted I could take the subway but he said it was the least he could do (and in someways I mentally agreed). I want to point out that I felt safe and had taken all the information I could beforehand to get him selected in a line up if required, so I let him drive me home. He parked, opened my door and walked me to my apartment block....then proceeded to try and grope me at the front gates. When I politely refused, he was taken aback but then shock my hand like we just finalized a business transaction and left. Needless to say I didn't hear from him, for over a week before he started asking me why I didn't answer his calls. The second guy was a bit better. He took me out for dinner and spoke about how he wanted to learn English as he hoped to move to Cambodia and work in his uncles business. He was older than the last guy (34) and already had his own franchised gym business. He was comfortable to talk to and very easy going with a gentle voice. He on the other hand, dropped me home and didn't make a move but asked to message me. He did when he got home. I was him a few times after that but I found that all we talked about was learning English and him selling his business to now go and work with his friend, selling mobile phone contracts? He wasn't stunning or necessarily my type, so...what made me sleep with him after a few dates. I don't know, maybe comfort, as neither of us where big drinkers and actually preferred to hang out eating Ice Cream and watching TV Host shows on the internet. The experience was pleasant...hmmm yes, pleasant is the word I would use to describe it. He was honest enough to say he wanted to have a relationship with me and see what would happened in the future but he made the fatal mistake that I am often experiencing here in this country. On the two occasions we were intimate, he showered and left. The first time he said he had to get up early (he left just after 11pm) and the second time, he appeared to leave somewhat after we were intimate, had showered and eaten ice cream but he wanted a second round and I was just too full...from ice cream that is. He proceeded to tweak my nipples, which I truly hate, but he obviously thought this would be a turn on for me. When I said I felt a little tired, he smiled politely and said, he better go because I wanted a round two and didn't want to bother me if he stayed. So, staying around and sleeping in and having breakfast wasn't a option. This could mean anything, he had commitments like work or an appointment or was tired but for me it just raised the "I have somewhere or someone to be with so I better go" sirens. I went overboard with my calculations after that and noted that we only had dinner dates on week days apart from 1 Saturday and this made me uncomfortable so I preceded to let that fire burn out on it's own, by being a pussy and only offering weak answers or politely declining to meet as I had "other commitments".

So why did I continue to stay on there (the app)? To be honest it had only been about 4 weeks in and I'm not looking for marriage and kids, but also not looking for a serial rapist/murderer or STD Carrier.
Moving on ahead about 5 to 6 weeks later, I decided to go out on a limb. Here's the senario. I started talking to 2 guys. One guy is working and studying Law. He English ability is advanced and proficient and he sounded articulate, funny and open minded through our text communications. Guy number 2 was very easy going to talk to, runs he's own business and believes in working to enjoy life and not necessarily for the money. I liked the sound of this as I had previously been working for the money....very good money and gave it up because I just couldn't find any happiness with it or the person I was with for numerous years. Anyway, I make plans with them both, let's call them Mr Clarke Kent and Mr Men's Health Magazine ^^

Clarke Kent

Model Shim Jae Geun: Mr Men's Health...Just a representation!

On a Friday but found that I actually  double booked myself and would have to make a comprise or and sacrifice. I had decided to meet a Clarke Kent for dinner after work since I could finish early enough to go and enjoy. Honestly without realising, I had arranged to go to the movies with Mr Men's Health that evening too. Time was limited to all three of us, so as I mentioned I didn't purposely try to double date but thought it would be polite to explain to Clarke that I had a previous engagement that would require me leaving after 3 hours of our initial meeting time. I felt this was sufficient enough time to just meet for a chat over a very simple dinner. I also gave him the option to cancel if he would have preferred. He didn't prefer.

He texted back saying he was completely fine with it and just wanted to enjoy meeting up for dinner, so I felt guilty but relieved by his honesty, as for me this read that he knew I had no intentions of going back to my apartment for him to inspect any possible pillow case fluff intensely that I may have had (I don't blah!), if you understand. Anyway I finish work and I bomb it to a popular town in the city as it's a neutral meeting point for both of us. For a Friday night it probably wasn't the best meet up choice as we decided to meet outside the heaving and popular subway station exit. I arrived 3 minutes before the scheduled time and spent 5 minutes in the ladies toilet (had to fight my way to the mirror to fix my face and the wash basin to wash my hands, considering the ladies that all used the toilet but hardly washed their hands but felt it crucial to fix their lipstick and foundations ewwww) anyway, trying to look like I wasn't recently sardined into a carriage of sweaty, old people and arrogant young people. I waited outside the station and watched and male and female duo, him playing a traditional drum as she sung a traditional song. People as usual went past me, feeling the need to invade my personal space regardless of how much I tried to integrate myself into the wall. I texted Clarke and informed him of my arrival. He instantly texted back saying he would come to met me from the restaurant. Now I did what I now find a common practice when meeting a guy for the first time. I secretly look out for him and when I think he is approaching, I look away. I don't know if this is because I want to be pleasantly surprised, or scared of the possible disappointment. Well for me, personally, I wasn't disappointed. He looked like his pictures except with a shorter haircut than I expected. What was the look? Well, tall ish, about 5,11, cute smiling eyes and a beautiful smile and without sounding crude and very good outlined body physique. He wore blue jeans and a grey fitted (well it may have originally been normal) t-shirt and strong black rimmed glasses, and yes there were real lenses inside of them ha! Anyway he introduces himself and then politely guides me through the throw of people down the street a few meters, where we then stop outside a posh looking eatery. He show's me that he arrived on his motorbike (parked outside the restaurant and proceeds to put something in the storage) and then tells me that he thought he's original suggestion of Kimchi jiggae was a bit inappropriate for a first meeting. I personally had been syncing myself up for the Jiggae but who was I to turn down the invitation for a steak dinner...and No, not because he was buying but because I hadn't had a steak dinner since leaving Australia.

Aloft Gangnam

We enter the restaurant and he guides me to the table where he had been originally waiting. He goes through the menu and suggests a set meal which will give us the benefit of steak, salad, and a choice of pasta, risotto or goulash plus a glass of red wine each. It sounds like a pretty god deal to me so I agree. He places the order and then we precede to talk about ourselves. At this stage I won't divulge as I could be getting ahead of myself like I always do and I'm not sure how things turned out, but we talk and laugh, a lot. He is extremely easy to talk to and funny. He tells me he has similar interests to mine and I honestly start to wonder if this is because he just wants to make a good impression or he is genuine. We talk about music, hobbies, travel and life expectations and dreams. He's determined and smart and expresses himself extremely well, of which I find very attractive. Though when he talks, I can't distinguish whether he feels an attraction or is simply looking for foreign friends. So I ask him, why he decided to join the app (before he gets the chance to ask me). He tells me it's because he wants to meet foreign friends as he feels he gets on well with people from all over the world. Might sound cheesy but I admire his enthusiasm. Surprisingly he doesn't ask me the same question, but "how is my experience with the app?" so I tell him about the young fuckwits and decrepit pensioners thinking that I am desperate for a bed buddy. Sorry, I was very diplomatic on how I worded it though. Dinner came and he served and turned the steak, cut it and place it on my plate like a 3 year old child/ caring partner, delete as appropriate. We talked and laughed more and people probably looked at us constantly nodding, laughing, snorting and high fiving like a frat couple after mid terms (not sure why I said that) anyway, he politely reminds me that I have an appointment and that I may need to go, and he's right it's already 10pm and our 3 hours are up, but I'm actually disappointed. I could have made some excuse to stay but then Mr Men's Health had traveled over 1 hour to meet me so I should make an effort after all I'm not obligated to anyone, right?

Then Clarke softly says that he's enjoyed our dinner and my company and even though I have an appointment, considering it's friday night, would I consider going to a jazz club with him AFTER my appointment? He found my company charming and my personality witty and also found me attractive. Say what now, yes, he threw me a curve ball. I told him I would probably be about 2 hours so it would be inconvenient for him to wait around for me like that but my man insisted on waiting. He said he would happily wait as he wanted to share the experience of us listening and enjoying the club together. Now what dumbass is going to complicate matters more by agreeing to this situation...me, that's who....please don't get me wrong as I don't consider myself a hoe, but who in their right mind turns down two pieces of Oreo Cookie Cake!TO BE CONTINUED